Healing ADHD, Attachment, and Trauma: A Guide to Transforming Childhood Behaviours
Understanding Emotional Bonds and Brain Stress Responses: Going from Surviving to Thriving
I firmly believe that early childhood development and attachment are foundational to both our emotional and mental well-being, as well as that of our children. Addressing these early experiences is crucial for building a solid foundation for life.
I am a dedicated practitioner with over 25 years of experience working with children, young people, and families from birth to 24 years old. My core values—responsibility, connection, and healing in parenting—guide everything I do. Having worked with local authorities supporting young people in and leaving the care system, both primary and secondary schools, as well as for Home-Start with 0-5-year-olds and their families, I bring extensive knowledge in safeguarding, child development, and family dynamics.
I believe that every parent’s deepest wish is for their child to thrive emotionally, mentally, and physically. By supporting parents in taking responsibility for their own healing and well-being, we create the space for our children to grow up happy, healthy, and resilient. My experience includes research for the Kent Children's Fund Network, where I developed frameworks and trained practitioners on children's rights, ensuring their voices are heard in decisions that impact them, as laid out in Article 12 of the UN Rights of the Child. Together, we can break cycles of stress and trauma, building lasting connections that empower both you and your child to flourish. Healing starts with us.
I felt compelled to write this essay because, due to the stress and overwhelm many of us find ourselves dealing with at the moment, there is a real need to understand that ADHD and other challenging childhood behaviours are, at their core, responses to stress and trauma. The way to truly support children who communicate their struggles through diagnoses like ADHD, ADD, PDA, ODD, and so on, is not by trying to "fix" them, but by turning inward to heal our own stress, nervous system imbalances, and trauma responses. When we do the inner work, we become fully present and able to guide, nurture, and support our children. This not only creates the best outcomes for our children but also transforms our own relationships and fosters a more peaceful existence, both at home and in society as a whole.
Early attachment, stress responses like ADHD, and the role of parents in addressing these issues are critical to a child’s well-being. True healing and behavioural regulation come from understanding the roots of these challenges, rather than quick fixes like medication.
“What cannot be communicated to the [m]other, cannot be communicated to the self.”
- John Bowlby
Emotional security in the first three years is absolutely essential for a child's lifelong mental health because it forms the foundation for how they will experience the world, their relationships, and even themselves. In these early years, the brain is rapidly developing, and it is during this critical window that a child learns whether the world is a safe and secure place or not. This concept is not new, and it is something I have observed first-hand throughout my years of working closely with children and their families.
When a child feels emotionally secure, especially through consistent care and soothing when distressed, their brain builds strong, healthy neural pathways. These early interactions help regulate their emotions and stress responses, setting the stage for resilience later in life. When caregivers are physically and emotionally present, it teaches a child that they are safe, valued, and loved. This is not just about comfort in the moment, it shapes a child’s ability to trust others, to self-regulate, and to navigate the challenges they will face as they grow.
In contrast, when a child does not experience emotional security in those first few years, whether due to neglect, inconsistency, or emotional unavailability, the impact can be profound. The brain's stress responses become heightened, making it more difficult for the child to manage anxiety, fear, or sadness as they grow. This lack of emotional security can lead to attachment disorders, where the child struggles to form healthy, trusting relationships, ultimately affecting their mental health throughout life.
“An infant whose mother responds sensitively to his communications will come to experience her as available, responsive, and helpful, and to regard himself as competent to obtain what he needs.”1
Those early years are about establishing a secure attachment, where the child knows they have someone to rely on, which becomes the emotional backbone for everything else. When children feel reassured, loved, and safe, their mental health is built on a foundation of trust and security, making it far more likely they will grow into confident, emotionally resilient adults. In short, lack of this security leads to attachment disorders.
Mary Ainsworth’s work highlights how consistent and sensitive caregiving fosters a secure attachment, which is critical for emotional development and mental health throughout life.
Children with ADHD have been found to exhibit more insecure and disorganized attachment patterns, which can be traced back to early life stress and challenges in forming secure bonds due to hyperactive, inattentive, and impulsive behaviors. This highlights the importance of secure caregiving for regulating emotions and mitigating ADHD symptoms.2
The need for parents to be emotionally and physically present is absolutely tantamount.
Healthcare experts highlight that ADHD in preterm children often presents more with inattentive behaviours than hyperactive ones, and the severity of the symptoms is associated with the degree of prematurity.3 Children born prematurely frequently face long-term intellectual, developmental, and behavioural challenges, underscoring the need for early diagnosis and intervention.4
The common perception of ADHD is that it is a disorder that needs to be managed with medication, but this view can be very limiting and often misses the deeper issues at play. ADHD is frequently described in terms of behavioural problems: difficulty focusing, impulsivity, and hyperactivity, that need to be controlled. As a result, many parents are encouraged to turn to medication as the primary solution for their child’s challenges. While medication might help manage symptoms in the short term, there are a great many common side-effects5, and it does not address the root causes of these behaviours. For many children, ADHD may be more accurately understood as a stress response, not a disorder. For a more detailed look at what ADHD is and the long list of common side effects of ADHD medications as listed by the NHS, please see my essay: You Do Not Have ADHD.
Children who exhibit ADHD-like behaviours often have underlying emotional and attachment issues that manifest as difficulty regulating their emotions and attention. These challenges can be linked to early experiences of stress or insecurity, especially if they did not have a secure attachment in their early years6. Dr. Gabor Maté, a leading expert on ADHD, states, “ADHD is not an inherited disease but a condition rooted in stress, especially early stress, and trauma. It is a response to the environment the child grows up in, particularly how safe or unsafe they feel.”7 Children who feel unsafe, for whatever reason, or who have inconsistent caregiving often develop heightened stress responses, which is very much like ADHD.
“Insecure attachment can contribute to ADHD, as children who are preoccupied with the need for safety and emotional security struggle to develop effective self-regulation, often resulting in heightened ADHD symptoms.”8
The fight-or-flight response is a fundamental survival mechanism rooted in our brain's wiring. When faced with perceived threats, our bodies release a surge of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. This reaction prepares us to either confront the danger or flee from it. While this response can be lifesaving in dangerous situations, it can become problematic when activated too frequently or for prolonged periods. For children, particularly those who may have experienced early stress or trauma, this constant state of heightened arousal can manifest in ways that appear as hyperactivity, aggression, and distractibility. For more detailed exploration of nervous system regulation, see the work of Stephen W Porges.9
In a stressed brain, hyperactivity often arises as an attempt to cope with overwhelming feelings. Children may seem restless or unable to stay still, as their bodies are responding to an internal sense of danger. This behaviour is not just naughtiness but rather a reflection of their nervous system being in overdrive. According to Dr. Daniel Siegel, a leading expert on the developing brain, when children are in a heightened state of stress, their ability to focus and self-regulate diminishes.10 Their brain is essentially wired to react rather than respond thoughtfully. This can lead to impulsivity and distractibility, making it difficult for them to engage in tasks that require sustained attention, and very often means school, for example, is a real, daily struggle for them.
Aggression is another common manifestation of a stressed brain. When a child feels threatened, whether due to environmental stressors or emotional distress, their fight-or-flight response can trigger aggressive behaviours. This does not mean the child is inherently violent; rather, it indicates that they are struggling to manage their feelings and are acting out of a place of fear. Experts note that children exhibiting aggression like biting, hitting, kicking, and throwing things, often do so because they are in a state of survival mode, reacting to perceived threats in their environment.
Understanding these behaviours as manifestations of a stressed brain and as attempts to communicate distress to their caregivers rather than viewing them as signs of disorder is crucial for effective intervention.
By recognizing the connection between early experiences, stress responses, and ADHD-like behaviours, parents can approach their children (and themselves) with compassion. Healing attachment and addressing trauma can help children develop healthier coping mechanisms and better emotional regulation, ultimately leading to improved behaviour and well-being.
Any child issue stems from a parental issue, barring rare exceptions. We play a pivotal role in the healing process of our children, especially when it comes to addressing issues like ADHD. The parent-child relationship is foundational, as any challenges a child faces often stem from underlying parental issues, with few exceptions. Connected and responsive parenting is crucial for a child's emotional regulation and brain development, which can significantly mitigate ADHD symptoms. Conversely, unresponsive caregiving has been linked to a higher risk of developing ADHD11. According to Erdman (1998) in the American Journal of Family Therapy, the quality of parenting directly influences a child's ability to manage emotions and develop the necessary skills for healthy brain development. By creating a nurturing and responsive environment, we can help our children thrive and overcome potential obstacles.
Taking responsibility for our emotional wounds and traumas is a vital first step in helping our children heal. We need to examine our own attachment patterns, as these directly influence our ability to support our children. Attachment disorders in adults often manifest as difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy, secure relationships, which can create a cycle of distress for both ourselves and children. These challenges are frequently rooted in childhood experiences of inconsistent, neglectful, or traumatic caregiving. Understanding how these attachment issues affect our own parenting can empower us to work on our own healing, ultimately crafting a more nurturing environment for our little ones. By addressing our emotional wounds, we can break negative cycles and create a secure attachment that promotes emotional resilience and well-being in our children.
The role of inner healing work in parent-child healing is essential, as successful support for children must involve their parents. Healing is a family process rather than an isolated, child-centred solution. This is the work I do with parents—helping them address their own attachment turmoil so they can create a more supportive and nurturing environment for their children. By engaging in this healing process together, families can foster healthier relationships and promote emotional well-being for everyone involved. It is not too late to start this work.
In my work with families, I help parents go beyond these surface-level solutions (such as medications, and parenting strategies to manage behaviours), guiding them to recognize and address their child’s emotional struggles for lasting healing and well-being.
In conclusion, healing childhood disorders like ADHD requires shifting our understanding from viewing them as isolated conditions to recognizing them as stress responses rooted in early attachment and emotional experiences. To create lasting change, parents must reflect on their own behaviours and unresolved trauma, as these deeply impact their children’s ability to regulate emotions and develop secure attachments.
The journey to healing begins with parents taking responsibility for their own well-being. By prioritizing your own healing, you can create the emotional stability and security that your child needs to thrive. It is through this process of self-reflection and growth that true transformation can occur, both for yourself and your child.
Soothe the child during moments of distress to build neurological and emotional stability.
Calling Healing Parents…
If you’re ready to start the inner work that will truly help your child heal and grow, now is the time to take the first step. My upcoming “The Healing Parent: Repairing Attachment and Building Emotional Security for Your Child” - a connected parenting, healing attachment disorders, and childhood trauma online course is designed for parents who are willing to do the deep work of reflection, healing, and connection. In this course, you’ll learn how to:
Understand and repair attachment issues that may have been passed down through generations.
Regulate your own emotional state to better respond to your child’s needs.
Transform challenging behaviours in your child by addressing the root causes of stress and emotional dysregulation.
Build a resilient, healthy bond with your child based on trust and emotional security.
I invite you to join the waiting list today and take the first step towards connected parenting and healing. This course will guide you on a transformative journey, helping you create lasting changes in both your own and your child’s lives.
Click here to join the waitlist and start the healing process for both you and your child.
Ainsworth, Mary, Patterns of Attachment, 1978
Madigan et al., 2016, European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry SpringerLink MDPI
For a list of common side effects of ADHD medications, please see my article “You do not have ADHD”.
“Children born prematurely or who spend time in a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) face a higher risk of developing ADHD and other psychiatric conditions later in life. This risk is attributed to disruptions in brain development caused by premature birth, particularly before 32 weeks. These children are more likely to present symptoms of inattention, as well as other psychiatric disorders such as oppositional defiant disorder, separation anxiety, and specific phobias.”
Maté, G. (1999). Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder. Vintage Canada.
Follan et al., 2011, Research in Developmental Disabilities SpringerLink
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
Erdman, 1998, American Journal of Family Therapy